Ethiopia declares heroic victory over 2.3 million children.

Citing a new UNICEF report, the Ethiopia government has announced it is winning a war against 2.3 million children in Tigray. “For almost 100 days now, we have successfully prevented aid organizations from providing humanitarian aid. You have no idea how difficult it is to refuse free food and water when it is being offered to you day and night by the United Nations and other respected NGOs.”

Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed shared the good news in an update to the Ethiopian parliament. “We continue to have no civilian deaths in Tigray that are attributable to our armed forces. Some may try to blame us for starvation but the the truth is we still have not shot or bombed one civilian.”

Perhaps the most harrowing moment for the Ethiopian army came when UN aid workers brazenly tried to map out potential routes for delivering food and medicine to refugees within Tigray. “That was a close call,” reflected the army chief. “Fortunately we were able to shoot at and detain the UN workers before they helped any children in the camps.”

The Ethiopian government estimates that after 20 more days, 100% of Tigray’s children will have died. “Unfortunately, it’s a risk we have to take, Abiy said. “The potential death of 2.3 million children from Tigray is a small price to pay for capturing the 20 or so TPLF leaders who are still at large.”